follower

All Deep and Meaningful

2009-09-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I write in my blog most when I have something deep and meaningful to say, and I don't know who to share it with. Either I haven't had anything deep or meaningful to say, or I've gotten better at sharing it. I'm too busy living to blog.

Overload.

2009-07-11T19:14:00.001-07:00

There are too many thoughts in my head right now to sort through. They are piling up and taking over my brain. I need to organize them. I do not have the energy or wherewithal to do so. Warning: Overload.

If you want to help me sort my brain, please let me know. I could use some help. But let me caution you: it is a jumbled mess, and highly ADHD right now.

I saw the light

2009-07-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

I was out in the sun today.
I got to work on my vitamin D absorption.
That hasn't happened in a while, so I was happy.

I have a lot of good things happening for me right now.
I have a lot of tough things too.
But I have enough good to outweigh the rest.

As I lay in the grass this afternoon
thinking of how nice it would be
to no longer be nocturnal,
I started counting.

Counting the days
the hours
the minutes.
And it's not so bad.

The things that I'm longing for are soon to come.
The things that I dread are soon to pass.
And from there, I wonder where I will go.
What will I look forward to in 3 months?
Where will I be in 4 years?

Who and what controls who I am?
Every time I update my facebook,
every time I post on my blog,
less of me is personal anymore.
More of me becomes public.
I don't know quite how I feel about that.

And who really cares?
When I put so much of myself on
facebook
twitter
myspace
youtube
blogger
etc
How do I know who really cares?
Who really wants to know how I'm feeling?
Who really wants to know what makes me tick?
Who cares enough to go beyond what's online?
It's no longer work
to get to know someone.

Or is it?
Maybe now, it's more work than ever before.
Because we post a lot of lies on the internet.
Easy way to put only our best foot forward.
And only those who really try
really know us.

I have friends in 8 different countries, and I see
that our cultures are borrowing from each other
dropping old habits,
picking up new.

The world is changing
It's shrinking.
While we all struggle to be different,
this is the point when we're all starting
to come together.
To become more similar.

What does that do to the global society?
What does that do to my generation?
Am I ok with that?
Where will we be in 10, 20, 50 years?
Is it sustainable?
Will it drive us crazy?

The real question,
for my generation is:
Do we define pop culture
or does it define us?

And either way, what do we do about it?

I wrote

2009-06-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

I wrote down the words that I needed to say.
Not to you, don't give yourself so much credit.
To me. Yeah you can call me selfish.
Anyway...

I wrote them down and then tore them up.
The shredded pieces falling softly like rain
around my toes, cold on the kitchen floor.
I looked at the paper shredder and laughed.
It was jealous
that I got all the fun of ripping up the words today.
I told my clicky pen and my clackety keyboard
that their services would no longer be needed
(yet here I type).

I said I would be done with words for a while.
I decided I needed action, energy, and life.
As much magic as it takes to breathe life into words,
I figured that spell could be better used elsewhere,
at least for a change of scenery.
So I started to skip using words.
Who needs 'em anyway?
A picture's worth a thousand.
They're dangerous too,
if you've ever read Proverbs.
I wondered if my life was worth any.

And as I started talking, writing, typing less,
everything else started making more sense.
Someone told me once that I spend too much time planning.
Not enough time doing.
He told me to quit learning how.
Quit looking for more instructions in the manual.
I've read it, now do it.
But maybe I was looking for the purpose in all these words.

Well he was right.
It's tough to get stuff done
when all you do is plan for it.
And it's even tougher to carry out that plan
that I so meticulously pieced together
from the scraps of yesterday's hard-learned lessons.

Because the more you plan,
the more likely it is that something will go wrong.
So maybe I oughtta be done with this whole planning thing.
It's working out better so far.

At One Point in my Life

2009-05-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

At one point in my life
there was Classic Crime and a truck ride
to my little town
where big things happen.

At one point in my life
there were chocolate ducks
filled with whipped cream
and giggling late at night.

At one point in my life
there were scrubs and masks
as we watched surgery
and got a catheter as a prize.

At one point in my life
there was a walk in the snow
past the goats and bears
and I didn't wear a scarf.

At one point in my life
there were infomercials
and I guessed wrong every time
except once, and I screamed.

At one point in my life,
there was an obedient freshman
and she bowed to me
and I loved her anyway.

At one point in my life,
there were awkward hugs
and impromptu jam sessions
and it made me who I am.

At one point in my life,
there was a youth library
with excellent books and better conversation
and we learned how to live.

At this point in my life,
I have all these experiences
and they shape me
and I am so grateful for who I have become.

Welcome Back?

2009-05-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I wrote here. Oops. A lot has happened in a month. Briefly:

Made a 'new' friend who is very important to me.
Watched the new X-Men movie twice.
Finished my first year at WSU.
Got really good grades.
Moved back home for the summer.
Started a Nursing Assistant Certification class.
Watched Star Trek twice.
Heard the devastating news that an incredible man had died in a plane crash.

I haven't had much to say in a month. And when I sat here and decided to write this, I thought I had something to say. But now I don't remember. Maybe it wasn't important.

Here's where I am now:

I'm lost. I don't know my direction.
I don't know the destination.
It's like driving with someone who gives you the directions just before you have to do it.
"Turn here."
And suddenly I'm getting over two lanes and wrenching the wheel because I wasn't prepared. Because I don't know where I'm going. I'm just supposed to trust the one who is giving me directions.
That gets frustrating really fast.
And I'm really good at deciding where I think I'm supposed to be going, and just getting there my way.
But then, inevitably I find two things: That wasn't the destination at all. And, even if it was, I went the wrong way to get there.
And once again, I have to be really glad that God redeems things. No matter how off track I am, no matter how long I have been going the complete wrong direction, God can make it all work out in the best interest of everyone.
Well there's another point of contention. Best interest of everyone? Sometimes I don't believe it. Not when a friend dies, leaving a wife and four little children behind. How is that in everyone's best interest? How could God do that to them? To the world? And I get wrapped up in my own little definition of how things 'ought' to be. But I forget. God is BIG. HUGE! So completely beyond anything I could ever even imagine. And my little definition of how things 'ought' to be, I realize, is little. I haven't a clue how things 'ought' to be.
And I guess I'm glad of that. Because if I did, I would have a lot of responsibility. The only thing I know ought to happen is that I ought to trust God. But it's hard.

Also.

It's really easy and convenient to just take God out of the picture. It's easy to just keep God inside that nice, pretty church building and just visit on Sundays. Or is it? Are our church buildings too small to confine God? Turns out yes. Well, that's annoying. You mean God is out in the world too? That seems dangerous. We can't control Him there. Better catch Him and put Him back in the church where He belongs. Wait, we can't do that? He won't fit? Better make our buildings bigger. Ok now we have giant buildings. But He's still not fitting.
...and it goes on and on...
When will we realize that God doesn't fit in the church building? When will we realize that we can't just visit God on Sundays and call that good? When will we realize that to be changed by God is the best privilege we can have? When will we stop being afraid? Fear God. But don't run away. Don't try to put Him in a cage like a rottweiler. Instead, embrace Him and see what happens when you let Him out. I promise you won't be disappointed.

And the livin' is easy

2009-04-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

It's getting to summertime, and the smell of sunscreen on the kids at the daycare lights up my day. The sun is shining, people are coming out of the woodwork to work on their vitamin D absorption. And I'm loving it. It's perfect running weather in the evenings, and it smells like life outside. And I love life.

PLAGARIZED from normsy.wordpress.com

2009-04-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

The following post is written by Seth Normington. His blog kind of makes my life. I couldn't not share this:

When confronted with the social problems of the day, many people work their brains so hard that they totally fry their neocortex… and then they enter government. Solutions do not need to be complex.

Today, I would like to offer a solution for our gun violence problem. Cool down, my dear friends back in the sticks, I’m not talking about preventing anybody from buying a gun. In fact, I would be willing to eliminate any restrictions on the number or type of firearm one can purchase if my plan is implemented.

Here’s the solution. If you want to purchase a firearm, you must first be shot by the very gun you are purchasing. Nothing too drastic, just a flesh wound or some such.

This bold and brilliant solution sprang from a chat I was having with my brother about security officers and pepper spray. To be allowed to carry and use pepper spray as a security professional, one must go through training. Part of this training is to actually be sprayed in the face and eyes with the pepper spray. I figure, if it is good enough for pepper spray, it is good enough for guns.

How does this solve anything? First, I would suspect that you would have greater empathy for the person you intend to shoot if you have felt the pain yourself (granted, most people seem to be shooting to kill, but any empathy is good). Second, I think a lot of people would choose not to buy a gun if they had to be the on the receiving end of the barrel. I knew a guy who had about 100 guns. Do you think he would have acquired all of them if he had to be shot 100 times? Third, this would help our friends in Mexico by helping to halt gun smuggling. How many people would be willing to be shot several dozen times on each gun run?

Now, I can hear the folks crowing that this is only a deterrent to law-abiding gun purchasers. I don’t necessarily agree. I think the type of scumbag lowlife who would illegally deal guns would welcome the opportunity to shoot people.

But wait, what if the gun dealer shoots someone and the person dies? Would the gun dealer be held responsible? As long as the buyer held still, yes. Unfair, you say? Not at all. Doctors are responsible for screwing up life and death situations and now gun dealers are, as well. This will probably lead to voluntary certification programs, high insurance rates, and a reduction in the number of dealers. All of these things will drive up the price of guns, which will also reduce the number of guns.

Under this plan, only the people that really want to be involved with guns (buying or selling) will get guns and thus I believe gun violence will drop. Done and done.

By: Seth Normington

sabbatical

2009-04-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm taking a sabbatical from blogging for a bit. Slightly...no...SUPER busy.

And in other news, I just wrote an ethics paper about physician assisted suicide...
Here was my basic premise:

If I, a medical professional, can prevent death, preventing death is what I will do. But if I am required to assist in suicide, then I will consider: If a patient would kill him or herself by taking pills from my one hand, but not by a knife from my other hand, then I will hand him or her the knife.

Return to Sender

2009-03-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

I am small. I am weak. I have the "UP" sticker and the "FRAGILE" sticker. I'm covered in bubble wrap and those annoying packing peanuts because I'm breakable. I am in this box taped shut, safe from the world's harm. But it's dark in here. It's lonely in here. And I want someone to open it up and gently take me out. But I'm scared. I'm fragile.

God told me He would take me out. But He also told me He would break me. Somehow He wanted me to believe that it was a good thing. I asked how in the world breaking me would be a good thing. He was telling me why it would make everything better if I would let Him break me. I got scared and told Him to leave me and my box alone. But then I got more lonely and it was still dark. At least when I was arguing with Him, I had someone to talk to.

So I asked Him if He would fix me. If I let Him break me, would He fix me? He told me yes! He told me that the fixing was the whole point! So I caved in. I said He could take me out of my box and break me.

I asked Him if He had any scissors to cut open the box. He told me He had some nails and a key that would work better than any scissors. What was the key for, I asked Him. Turns out, it was the key to my heart. How did He get the nails, I asked Him. He told me that He got them in a fight for my life.

I'm glad He won.

Broken glass

2009-03-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

I broke the mirror.
I was sitting in front of it at the vanity
being vain.
And that mirror looked back at me
and told me about
all my insecurities.
That mirror told me that all my worst fears
were about to come true.
I sat at the vanity in hopes that it would tell me
what I wanted to hear.
Because I desperately want for it to be true.
I tried to get up and find a nicer mirror.
One that would tell me what I wanted to hear.
But when I went to the next vanity
that mirror told me
the exact same thing.
So I left that one too.
And every vanity, I slowly realized,
was refusing to tell me what I wanted to hear.
I got so angry
and that's when I broke the mirror.
So I ran.
And as I ran I began to sense
what I had been hoping the vanities would tell me.
I looked
and there running beside me
was the One that I had been looking for
in the mirror.
And we ran together.
The concrete turning softer
eventually becoming a soft trail
surrounded by grass.
Then I was exhausted and I fell down.
And the One told me that
I won't hear what I want to hear
or see what I want to see
until I stop looking in the mirror.
The realization was
a beautiful, horrible mess.
But the One told me it would be ok
as long as I stopped looking in the mirror.
The One turned my gaze, and suddenly
I saw hundreds more like me
running for their lives
away from the room full of vanities.
I yelled at them, to get them to come
to the One
But they were running so fast they couldn't hear me.
The One told me I should run alongside them
and bring them back to Him
so they could hear what they wanted to hear too.
So I ran
alongside someone just like me
past their broken mirror.

Damaged Goods.

2009-03-23T00:10:00.001-07:00

Damaged goods? Maybe.

I feel like I have no identity. I feel like a fake. Looking at other people, I can see aspects I want to copy and some that I want to leave. I see others being Christlike, but I haven't yet seen Jesus. I try to be Christlike, but I haven't yet seen Jesus. But when I do, just wait-I will be beautiful. He will make me beautiful.

But...have I seen Jesus already and missed it? Maybe.

I can see my mistakes and how I fall short. But what does Jesus see? All of that falling short and all my damages He sees past. I'm told that He sees beauty in me even now. But I haven't yet seen Jesus. And so I don't see the beauty. And whenever I look, I can only see once again all my damages and where I fall short.

And every time, it causes me to wonder if the beauty really exists. If Jesus exists. And so I am dying.

But I believe!
I have to.
It's all I have.

I will see Jesus and all His beauty. I will see it. And I will be beautiful.

I want to say I figured this one out. But right now, I'm still dying.

Spring Break parte dos

2009-03-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

Jess and I got to watch surgeries. It was amazing! For the squeamish out there, I'll spare you the gory details. That, and, HIPAA would eat me like a hippo. Anyway, now I'm thinking about how cool the Nurse Anesthetist's job was. When I watched my first surgeries, I wanted to be a surgical tech, then a circulating nurse, and now a nurse anesthetist.

Well, I'm pretty sure I can rule out surgical tech...their job isn't as exciting as I once thought (and they get paid squat!). But the other two are totally doable. And I can do both. Who says you can't have the best of both worlds? Anyway, I'm excited that I am indeed on the right track with my major.

I kind of worry that I might try to play God with a job so powerful. As a nurse anesthetist, I would hold a patient's life in my hands, and be able to bring a person out of a heart attack with just a few cc's of a drug. It would be easy to stop giving God credit for all the miracles that happen in medicine. But then I remember that God's miracle was, in part, the creation of that drug.

There is no way I could take the miracle out of medicine if I remember that it is because of God's creation and wisdom that we have this innovation. And that's good. Because everything is so much better when we give God all the glory for it.

Spring Break!

2009-03-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

Here comes an amazing week! Today was so much fun, and it feels like we should be going back to Pullman tomorrow after a weekend home, but it's just begun! That makes me happy. I could be writing a sociology paper right now to get ahead, but I would rather just sit and be. I haven't stopped doing school work in 9 weeks, and it's time for a break.

So I'm going to sit here, and rather than try to do homework on a Saturday night, I'm going to sit and prepare my heart for church tomorrow morning. I have no idea what the sermon will be or what to expect, but I know that whatever it is, God has a message for me in it. I would be a fool to miss out on that, so I want to be sure that I'm ready to listen.

I'm not usually one who does a lot of preparation for worship, even though I know I should. When I do, things go so much better, I feel like I meet with God in a much more real way. But for some reason, I convince myself that getting up 15 minutes earlier in the morning to prepare myself for meeting with the Creator of the universe is just too tough. Something is wrong with that. And tonight I feel like something big is about to happen, and I want to be ready.

"Maybe like a match being lit or the sinking of a ship. Let it go get some better grip."

Rey=inspiration.

2009-03-13T00:11:00.000-07:00

i don't know what
i want to do
actually
i don't want to do
anything
right about now
but that's not the point
i'm not the point either
because i have a mission
and although i'm not ready
it's ok
i wasn't made for later
i was made for right here
and right now
and who i am
is not who i could be
but God redeems
and so i don't have to wait
Dr Seuss would be proud
because in his book
about the places you'll go
the waiting place wasn't so great
but it'll be ok
because you're right
and God is good
and Jesus is alive
and we don't
have to wait till later
because we are
being in becoming

Indeed

2009-03-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

I can afford this semester.

Barely. But still...

SWEET!

And in other news, spring break starts tomorrow, and I am beyond happy! This semester is going so much better than last semester. SO much better!

At my wit's end

2009-03-08T19:16:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I blog when I'm stressed. Doesn't help anything, except that I get it all out. I'm sitting in anatomy study session two days before the test, and realizing that I know nothing (except for synapses, so I'm blogging until the next topic). I have a human development test on Tuesday, too, and I'm not sure I can handle that the day before the ethics test on Wednesday. And I'm sick. I have been blowing my nose so much today that I got a bloody nose. It's rough.

And I am SO good at complaining. But here's the bright side:
My tests will be done on Wednesday and so I can actually enjoy my spring break.
I have a place to live next year, whether it's here or at home.
I have at least 1 "easy A" class.

She is my roommate.

She is staying with me over spring break.

These are my friends.

So yeah, I could complain. But I'm gonna work on letting you know that I'm ok. I'll pass this class, even if this test doesn't go well. I'll get over this cold/whatever I have. Tomorrow I will wake up and have my eggs and toast, just like every day. And God will continue to be good.

The next big hit

2009-03-07T00:19:00.000-08:00

So this is what "everyone" has been doing, and since I'm in the habit lately of copying my sister, I wanted to do this too. It also helped me learn a LOT about my Mac, which was awesome.

If you want to try...

1 - Click here
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Click here next
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 - Click here last
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

It's snowing.

2009-03-05T13:18:00.000-08:00

Boo.

I want to curl up in a big armchair with a Narnia book, a blanket, and hot cocoa and read next to a window and watch the snow fall.

Anatomy will have to do. Ha.

In other news:
-I blame my roommate for the snow, and if anyone dies today due to snow driving, she is the murderer.
-I took my anatomy lab exam today, and made at least 3 stupid mistakes, but my TA still loves me.
-The power went out in the CUB today and the alarm started talking to us and telling us how to leave the building.
-Class was not cancelled (lame).
-I bought awesome music, and I can't wait to introduce Rey to the new band I discovered.
-I made it to Carlita's today in time for breakfast, and found out that it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be.
-I should be writing a paper right now, but I would rather blog.
-The janitor has been cleaning the bathroom at exactly the time I have to pee most for 4 days in a row now.
-I just lost the game.
-Jesus did way more stuff than I ever learned in Sunday school.
-I have to make an appointment to visit my friends down the hall, and they think it's the funniest thing in the world to answer the door and ask, "Do you have an appointment?"
-I had planned to go running today.
-I am still trying to convince my parents that I should be allowed to get a nose stud.
-I am going to eat lunch now.

Luke 4:31-36

2009-03-03T23:30:00.000-08:00

Here's a question:
Why do we like the other Gospels better than Luke?
I feel like we only really hear about Luke at Christmastime.
But there's more to it.
ok.

This will be short. I'm tired. Exhausted.
But maybe that's why I found this passage interesting.
The man must have been tired of having an evil spirit in him.
He must have been exhausted.
And SO happy when Jesus cast it out.

But I found it interesting that the demon threw the man to the ground before leaving him.
I think that's one of the reasons I'm afraid of getting rid of my own demons.
Because although I am exhausted, I'm more afraid of what will happen if I cast it all away. I'm afraid of losing the comfort that I have in familiarity.
And that's no good at all.

But Luke realized how important it was to mention that "the demon threw the man to the floor as the crowd watched; then it came out of him without hurting him further." -verse 35 (emphasis added)

It is important to remember that God will take care of us.
And although it will be scary to cast out those demons,
In the name of Jesus, they will leave me.
And in the name of Jesus, although they may throw me to the ground, from which I will have to pick myself up, they will not hurt me further.

Moving Mountains

2009-03-02T22:16:00.000-08:00

Matthew 17: 14-20

I love this passage.
It talks about me.
And about you.
About all of us.

I am the boy that needed healing.
I often fall into the fire or the water.
I go to others for healing, but they are not able.
When I finally crawl to the throne of Jesus,
I am saved.

I am the disciples.
I try to heal those who have fallen
into the fire or into the water.
Even in the name of Jesus.
But Jesus becomes exasperated with me.
"How long must I put up with you?" he asks.
Quietly, I ask Him, "Why couldn't I do it?"

Because I had too little faith.
Because I doubted.
Because I know I can't do it alone.
And I question whether or not Jesus is really with me.
Really helping me.

Is any of this real?
Am I living a dream?

And Jesus gently looks at me and says,
"If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."

And I sigh, because once again, I had put my faith in myself.
I had hoped that because Jesus was in me that everything would work out.
But let's leave me out of it.
How about this:
Because Jesus is, everything will work out.

Made for the people

2009-03-01T23:54:00.000-08:00

I like my little sister.
She is smart.
I look up to her, even though I'm pretty sure I'm still taller than she is.
(I hope)

So I copied her.
I wanted to read what Jesus said, too.
I thought it would be a good idea.

I feel like many Christians spend a lot of time in Paul's letters.
Or the Psalms.
Digging about and trying to make sense of them.
Learning a lot about what Paul and the Kings had to say about Jesus and the Kingdom.

We've heard all the Jesus stories in Sunday School.
So basically, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are kind of...
boring.

But how about give them a try.
See more than just what Paul has to say about Jesus and the Kingdom.

See what Jesus has to say about Himself and the Kingdom, His home.

So I was reading Mark chapter 2.
And I came to the end of the chapter.
Verses 23-28.

Verses 27-28 really said something to me.

"Then Jesus said to them, "The Sabbath was made to meet the needs of the people, and not the people to meet the requirements of the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord, even over the Sabbath!""

Imagine! I wasn't made to meet the requirements of the law! The law was made for me. It was made to serve me! The law is to give God my all in my whole life. And that does indeed serve me well, because when I glorify God in all I say and do, everything changes for the better.

Jesus wants to serve me. And when I serve Him, He accomplishes that.

Psalm 37:4

I won't title another post ending in a question mark.

2009-03-01T09:11:00.000-08:00

Because if I did, Renee would make fun of me.
And I'm glad.
It means she still loves me.
And still reads my blog.
Which is oddly important to me.
Probably because she's a genius.
And will tell me when I'm an idiot.

Anyway,

I don't know where I'm going.
I don't know what I will do.
I don't know anything.
About today, tomorrow,
next week, next year.
Nothing.

I know that I want to know.
I asked.
And was told the answer was plain to see.
But I didn't look.

I just said
"I don't want to move.
Won't you please just tell me
so that I don't have to get up?"

I wanted a simple answer
for life's toughest questions.
What about God's plan?
Why do I have to seek it?

I know.

But it's so much easier to stay put
if I can convince myself
that God is being mean and just not telling me.

But I can't fool myself much longer.
Because I know where the answer is.
God told me long ago.
But I forgot.

And I don't
want to move
to go find out what He said.

Mood Ring?

2009-02-24T12:29:00.000-08:00

Mood ring, oh mood ring, oh tell me won't you bring the key to unlock this mystery of girls and their emotions? Play it back in slow motion so I may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind.

We are difficult.
We are manipulative.
We are self-important.
We can't stop talking.
We don't give up.
We don't know when to quit.
We know we're right.
We know everyone else is wrong.

And when we are all like this, it makes for a lot of drama.
And mood swings.

Why?

2009-02-13T12:57:00.000-08:00

Why do I blog?

I type faster than I write, and I don't like my handwriting anyway.
Journals never turn out as pretty as I want.
I can add videos and pictures and links.
My friends can check up on me and see if I'm psycho.

I notice that a lot of people blog so that people will read it and follow their blog the way one gets followed on Twitter. It's all about the numbers. Not me. I'm down with low numbers of readers. I think just my closest friends and sisters actually read this anyway.

Blogging too much...

2009-02-12T00:49:00.001-08:00

I think I have been blogging too much lately. When I'm bored...or procrastinating. It's fun. And I know my sisters will read it and laugh at me. Or call me dumb. Or realize that I'm blogging so much because this is time I usually would have been spending on Facebook. But I'm off facebook for a month to see if my grades go up as a correlated result. Anyway, here's another thing I've been doing recently: Learning to use iMovie on my Mac. It's pretty amazing. Here's what we did tonight. We're awesome. I'm the videographer, and so unfortunately I don't appear in the film. But anyway, this is what we do on study breaks here at college.

Basically that was a TON of fun, and we all laugh really hard every time we watch it...even though we've all seen it about 20 times now.

In other news, forgiveness seems to be a big theme in my life right now. It's tough, but worth it. It would be so easy if there were a formula for forgiveness. But there's not. Unless you count giving up your life on a cross. That was a pretty good one. Anyway, I got a silly little DVD in a care package about forgiveness...Bob the Builder style... I donated it to Erin's new niece. But everywhere I look, there's another nudge about forgiveness. I guess I should start to deal with that soon.

All Finished...almost

2009-02-11T12:40:00.000-08:00

This week, I:

Studied
Wrote a paper
Hated the paper
Went to work
Restarted the paper
Took an exam
Went to work
Studied
Took another exam
Studied
Wasted time blogging
Took another exam
Went to work
Finished the new paper
Hated the new paper
Got fed up
Rearranged the new paper
Went to work
Finished for real the paper

In between, I went to class, ate meals, called my daddy and told him that he now has three genius daughters instead of two, laughed with my friends, witnessed sledding in my room, made a new friend, and people-watched at the CUB. Among other things. I also showered. Be grateful for that. And I slept for a total of 19 hours over the past 3 days. That's not too bad either.

Now I'm tired. I want to sleep. But I go to work again soon. And I still have more to do. I still have another paper to write. But it will be easy. I do not have more to do than anyone else I know, really. I'll be ok.

Pop Rocks

2009-02-10T21:40:00.001-08:00

I had pop rocks for the first time tonight. My friends told me they were good. That was mean. I almost died. Video of the reaction coming soon.

Dirty Girls: The New Porn Addicts

2009-02-10T20:35:00.000-08:00

How many girls have struggled with porn addictions? Wait...that's a man thing right? Playboy and Maxim and all that? It's for guys. Girls don't struggle with sexual sin. After all, guys think about that stuff way more often than girls. But wait, new research is coming in that says 1 out of 3 people who visit adult web sites are female? Hm, maybe we are a generation of "Dirty Girls."

GOOD NEWS! There's a beautiful woman who is writing from experience about dealing with a porn addiction and other sexual sin, and how she is now free from it. Her name is Crystal Renaud, and she can be found here on her blog and here on her web site for the book. Check it out and fill out a survey to help her gather information for her book.

Heartbeat

2009-02-08T12:10:00.000-08:00

I have no poetry.
No words to make things clear.
No prose that will make anything seem
anything less
or more
than what it is.

And that's ok.

I have no music.
No notes dancing up off the page
into your ears
to let you experience
how I feel.

And that's ok.

I have no art.
No picture or image.
Nothing that will help you see
what it is I want to express.

And that's ok.

Because my words are just a scrawl.
My music is just white noise.
My art is just scribbles.

And really, it's ok.

You don't have to understand what I say
or sing
or draw.
Who am I to say I have any more answers than you?
Who am I to think that I have the right words?
Or the score to the concerto?
Or the masterpiece painting?

I have nothing but confusion.
I'm just trying to figure it all out.
I just want to see
what I can do
to make it
to me
a little bit more clear.
To see the purpose of it all.
To see how maybe I can fit into all of this.

Cappuccino... and not thinking about things that are really hard not to think about.

2009-02-07T11:50:00.001-08:00

Cappuccino is delicious. Dining hall food is not. Dining hall cappuccino is delicious. Surprised? Me too.

Also, Mom, I would like you to know that my roommate and I clean our room every day and I fold my laundry the same day that I wash it.

I used to live my life based on memory and Google Calendar. But now I have a day planner and I lose my mind if I don't have it with me.

There is a wind-up snow man toy on my desk right next to my Purell hand sanitizer.

It's hard not to think about things when you're actively not thinking about them. Does that make sense? For example, ignore this sentence. You can't. It's a philosophy joke. And oddly enough I get it. So basically when I try not to think about something, I'm actually thinking about not thinking about the thing that I'm supposed to be not thinking about while I'm thinking about something else that's supposed to distract me.

I just lost the game.

Thrive

2009-02-06T22:04:00.001-08:00

My soul cries out, "If you're there
Will you lift me up with tender care?
Will you wash me clean in the palm of your hand?
Will you hold me close so I can thrive?
When you touch me, that's when I know I'm alive."

Because down here in the valley nothin's able to grow.
Hold me close.
Give me life.
Wash me clean.
Water my spirit.

Because I've been spending my days diggin' round for diamonds and gold.
And now I'm gonna get old.
Lift me up.
I want to see the joy.
Touch me.
Show me your power.
Teach me.
You are greater than all the riches of the world.

I need to know I'm alive.

A Slow Fade

2009-02-03T20:31:00.000-08:00

There's a fine line between debriefing and gossip. It's hard to discern sometimes, but it is so important. I'm glad I have Jess who will slap her hand over both of our mouths once she thinks we've crossed that line. I'm disappointed that she had to do that. I wish it was easy to find that line, but it's not.

There's a fine line between turning the other cheek and letting someone walk all over you. That one is usually one of the slow fade things. At first you're turning the other cheek, but then you start to run out of cheeks. And then you realize that it's a pattern and "I'm sorry" doesn't actually mean anything, because they're going to walk all over you again.

There's a fine line between keeping someone's friendship because you need to act in a Christlike manner, and letting them pull the "Jesus card" on you, saying that every time you mess up, it's because you're judging them and because Christians are mean.

It's a hard place to be. It's too much stress. "We're in college now!" ...so why didn't we leave the drama in high school musical?

Quote of the Day

2009-01-31T23:30:00.000-08:00

I coined a phrase today. People will quote me on this for the rest of my life and well after, I'm sure. As my dad and I were talking about the feminist movement, I decided to sum up the feminist argument in one sentence. It went like this:

Men are stupid and women are equal!

Then my dad and I stared at each other for a moment...and burst into laughter. Gotta love those nazi-feminists.

Ok good night for real now.

Goodbye

2009-01-31T22:15:00.000-08:00

I said goodbye today. It's fairly certain that I won't see him again in this life. It was hard. But I told him that we would take care of his wife and family and everyone and everything here, and as soon as he was ready, we were ready. I told him that I'm jealous that he gets to see Jesus first. I told him that it would be tough for his wife to make the decision she needs to make, so if he wants to make that decision for himself, he can, and everyone would know it was what he wanted.

Everyone knows this isn't what he wants. But he is what we want. We don't want this, but we do want him. But so does Jesus. And Jesus is waiting with open arms, eager to embrace His child and say, "Well done, good and faithful servant! Enter into the joy of your Lord!" And I wish I could be there to see it. I wish I could rejoice with them. But I will have to rejoice here. And I will mourn the loss that this world will suffer. But I will rejoice because I know that this is no life for him. Heaven is the life that is for him. He is tired and ready to go home.

It's just so hard to say goodbye.

Great Redeemer

2009-01-29T17:00:00.000-08:00

God doesn't create evil. God doesn't create pain and suffering. God doesn't inflict harm on us. Through free will God has given us the choice of creating joy or pain, beauty or horror, peace or war. And through that freedom, we don't always make the right choice. We don't always choose peace and joy. We choose to get ahead. We choose our own fallible plans instead of the divine plans of God. Epic fail. Time to make the right choice. Time to choose life that we might truly live.

Overwhelmed

2009-01-24T23:03:00.000-08:00

Two chick flicks in two nights. Isn't that a bit much? Maybe it's just me. And ok, the second one wasn't really a chick flick. It was more of a giggly teen girl movie (Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants). Maybe it's hormones. Maybe I'm thinking too much of my feelings. Probably. But anyway, it's overwhelming.

Watching a chick flick is a good way for me to see that I am NOT ready in any sense to be in a relationship. It's a good way for me to realize that I have too much growing up to do before I can do that. But it's also a good way to torture me. In the end, the girl and guy get together and everything works out and it's happily ever after (except in the case of A Walk to Remember, but it was still in a sense that way).

Why am I so desperate for some guy to come sweep me off my feet? Why can't I just be in love with God? I know that I don't want to date until I can become the woman of God that a man of God deserves, but I want that to be soon! Why is that? I'm conflicted (Miss Schulz would like that language). Why can't God just make it easy on me and swoop down and do some massive brain surgery and I'd be what I'm supposed to be. I want that. So I've chosen God. And I've chosen the easy way out instead of doing the work that it takes to become the way I'm supposed to be.

Also: Girls. Ladies, we are difficult creatures. I don't get us. Mostly I don't get me. And that kind of stinks for the rest of you, because it's easier to get girls when each individual can help you out with it a bit. So, sorry I'm not very "get-able."

I love my girl friends. So many much moosen. So why do I draw away from you all? When did I become a selective loner? When did I become introspective? Never thought I'd see the day when I would rather sit in my room just me and my pet bonsai plant and study than to be a giggly mess with the girls. I know it's for a good reason. I'm scared out of my mind that I'm not going to get good enough grades this semester. That's at least part of it. But it's more. I need to be introspective and deep. I need to be able to talk about Jesus and God and work through crap. Each day is a new creation and each day there is something new that I learn and discover about the Creator. I need to be able to sift through that.

And usually I can't. Well, I could. I have the resources. But the story is that there are 5 of us. And 4 of us love Jesus. 3 of us really like to talk about Jesus. 2 of us have curly hair (just to continue the counting down trend). And 1 of us doesn't like Jesus or to hear about Him. At all. Gets offended and says we're judging her and condemning her. Can't handle it. So I try to respect that and not talk about it. But who am I supposed to talk to about life? These are my people. We're always all together...all of us. Disaster waiting to happen, I know. We've gotten through one already. Anyway, I feel like I'm having an identity crisis trying to not talk about the One who is my LIFE and SOUL and BEING. I'm doing it so I don't make the 1 upset, but it's at the expense of my sanity. And even some at the expense of my relationship with God.

I can't do that. I didn't come here so I could walk on tip-toe and not offend anyone with who I am. She didn't come here so that people could tip-toe around her. These are big-girl things that big girls need to deal with and work out. These are real life problems that I'm seeing now that I'm out in this supposed "real" world. We'll see how it goes telling her that I will respect her right to not believe in Jesus, but she has to also respect my right to believe in Him...including everything that it entails. Because believing in Jesus made me a new person. And I can't just let my actions speak. I need to speak about Jesus. Not to preach at her, but because when I see something beautiful I give credit to the Creator. When I eat a meal, I am thankful to the Provider. When I am hurting, I need the Healer. I can't live without Him. I can't pretend I'm not changed by Him. I won't shove my faith in her face. I'm going to be tactful and respectful, but not at the expense of all glory and honor to my King.

More Ethics

2009-01-24T16:04:00.000-08:00

I've been doing too much ethics recently. It makes me think. How intrusive.

Two things:
We're learning about feminism, and femininism (not the extra syllable). Femininists would say that women and men are different. Men tend to be more impartial judgmental, whereas women tend to be more relational and individualistic. Makes sense to me. The feminists think that femininists are:

"accepting women's moral experiences at face value-without questioning the oppressive practices and attitudes that may have helped make certain experiences and ways of thinking typical for women. ...In fact, nurturing, caring, and the disposition to preserve relationships...may simply be the survival skills of an oppressed group."
-Mappes & DeGrazia Biomedical Ethics 6th ed.

Say WHAT?

So after hearing that, someone in the class brought up the point that maybe it is inherent in male and female nature that men and women have these different dispositions. Maybe we're not socialized into becoming caring women or impartial men, but it's deeper than that.

Our professor said that the notion of inherent disposition is undergoing active research, and that feminists wanted to know whether or not it was inherent or if it's socialized into us. If it's socialized, then they have another victory.

Someone else piped up, "Will the feminists be sad if they find out it's inherent?"

Prof replies, "Yeah a lot of them would. But only the ones who want to erase gender entirely. Get rid of male and female in the anatomical sense as well as the social stigmas. These are the same people who want to make a global race. Not white, or black, or Asian, but they just want to take away any differences and have a global people."

Ew. Why? Where would we get art and beauty and diversity? Gross.

Ok on to the second thing.

Institutionalized discrimination.

I'm applying for every scholarship I can find right now (well at this moment I'm taking a break) and one of them is for the general University Scholarship. I have to write a bunch of 110 word essays about my goals and ambitions, how I'm creative and can solve problems and whatnot. Basically let them know why they should give me money.

But one of the questions goes like this:

Handling systemic challenges: Describe your experiences facing or witnessing discrimination. Tell us how you responded and what you learned from those experiences and how they prepared you to contribute to the WSU community.

Here's what I wrote (don't worry, I'll change it to something they want to hear before I submit it):

This question is in and of itself discriminatory. Any student who has handled discrimination against his or her gender, race, community, or background has a “better” answer than those of us who have not. By having never experienced major systemic challenges, I am discriminated against in that my view and values are often considered less rounded. By being born a white female into a middle-class American home in a small rural community, I am at a disadvantage for this scholarship. This type of hidden and institutionalized discrimination is one that needs to be quickly addressed before racism and ethnocentricity once again rear their ugly heads in new and ever changing ways.

It's systemic and institutionalized discrimination. By trying to be non-discriminatory, they are actually discriminating against the "average" middle-class white American. Where do we draw the line between trying to have a diverse population at college and discriminating against the majority? Tough topic. And it's definitely taboo to talk about it. But we all know I'm a master of saying what I think needs to be said, even when no one should say it.

I Need Words

2009-01-23T19:43:00.000-08:00

What happens when you don't have the words? What happens when all you can do is whimper?

Today, at work, there was a 4 year-old-boy. He worked so hard on his lego city. So hard. He was so proud. He came to every adult in the room and showed us. He was just glowing. And then...his world came crashing down. Literally.

A couple other kids thought he was done with it, so they knocked it down. Not one brick left on another.

Needless to say, this little boy had a meltdown. Everything he worked so hard for, everything he was proud of, was ruined. It would take another half hour to remake it. For a 4-year-old, half an hour is a like a lifetime.

He had no words. All he could do was cry. He didn't scream, he didn't yell, all he did was cry. Just tears. Just quivering lips and tears. He could say nothing. He wasn't angry at the other kids for ruining his work. He wasn't telling on them. He had no words to express his sorrow.

So what happens when we have no words? When our world crashes down around us and we are just stuck with our sorrow? How can we be comforted?

[26]In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. [27]And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
-Romans 8:26-27

Biomedical Ethics

2009-01-21T19:38:00.000-08:00

I went to class today, and heard about half of what was going on. I spent the rest of the time writing a letter to my professor. I was freaking out. I can't understand ethics the way I'm "supposed to" because I can't separate ethics from my faith. I'm supposed to accept that people "should" be "good" because it works well for them, and everyone involved. I'm supposed to accept that something is "good" simply because it has the outcome that makes the most people happy, and allows one to have a well-lived human life. I can't accept that. Why is any one person's definition of "good" any more valid than that of a serial killer?

Why do we have these innate feelings that make us decide, based on conscience, what makes us happy? Where did those feelings come from? What makes us have these "good" and "bad" feelings? I can't accept that it's just the way it is. I continue to get caught on Romans 1:19-20: "[19]since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. [20]For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

Anyway, my prof is a Christian, so he must have been able to separate them somehow. We'll see what he says.

Struggling

2009-01-20T16:24:00.000-08:00

I wish I could write like C.S. Lewis. He is good at writing. He can make a point, and explain it too. I can hardly make a point. I like poetry. It allows me to make my babbling, nonsensical ideas into something slightly meaningful. I'm not good at poetry, but it's not hard to pretend that you are. Because no one is allowed to say that poetry or artwork is "bad." If they say that it's bad, then they are just closed-minded and have a low level of understanding. That works well for me, because that means no one will know that I'm bad at poetry. Or if they do know, they're trained to think that if they don't like it, they just need to try to understand it better. I'm so sneaky.

But I don't think I'm feeling very poetic today. I don't think I'm feeling all that much of anything today. There are days when I just don't feel lovely. But it's not that I don't feel unlovely. There are days also when I just need to be. Just me. Just in my own little world. Mostly those days happen when I learn something about myself.

I learned something about myself yesterday. Actually, I knew it already, but I had forgotten it. When someone tells me something that I need to know, I am glad. Usually it's the things that you most need to say that are the things you just can't say. But I want people to tell me that. I want to hear the things that people need to say to me. There are things I need to hear, that maybe might not be things I want to hear, but how can I change what's wrong if you don't tell me?

Anyway, I'm having one of those days where I just need to be. To think. And it's good.

More Positive

2009-01-12T16:04:00.000-08:00

I told Erin that I was going to be more positive...

She drew a lovely blue plus sign on my hand.

To remind me?
Ok.

So I'm being positive. I'm looking at the bright side, trying to make the most of everything, and just being downright happy. And it's nice. It's fun. I don't know when I started complaining about things. I guess it was kind of a white to gray type thing. But it's nice to be on the bright side again. It's lovely.

And in other news: work at the daycare today was wonderful. It went by so fast. I hear that happens when you're having fun...so working in this new classroom must be a good thing!

Far Away

2009-01-08T23:52:00.000-08:00

How can we be so right
and know so much
but be totally wrong?

How can we know what we need
to do and say
and how we need to act
and who we need to love
and still turn away?

How can we read and know
the Bible
and know the laws
and the rules
and still break them?

How can we claim Jesus
and say we know Him
when we are so broken?

How can I see my own love failing
and still trust
that Jesus will love where I cannot
because I'm not welcomed?

How can I reach
the unreachable?

How can I speak
what I cannot describe?

How can I become
the one I want to be
if I don't know who that is?

How can Jesus love me?

How can He love you?

Saved by grace through faith.

The In-between

2009-01-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

I'm at this weird place...

I can be a shepherd, but I still need shepherding.
I can live on my own, but I'd rather be home.
I can be mature, but it takes focus.

I don't know quite how to explain it. I know I can just go ahead and grow up. I know I ought to and I need to. But it's hard. It takes focus and control. It takes change, and I'm not so good at that. But I was told by a friend of mine who calls himself a Christian, "I am a Christian. I just don't think it's that big a deal." I don't want to have an attitude like that. I don't want to neglect the changes I need to make. Because to me it is a big deal. It's the biggest deal. That, and, I really want to know how amazing life could become if I would pull out of this in-between.

A Special Blog for Miss Schulz

2009-01-02T23:33:00.000-08:00

I hate...
HATE
New Year's Resolutions.

But whether with or against my will, I have several.
Some are whimsical and silly.
Some are more like requests from Miss Schulz.
Some might actually be valid.

But here's what I think:

God came to save me, even the mess that I am.
But He loves me too much to leave me that way.

So here's to a "new year" and letting God do His thing. Change me and stuff.

This Road

2008-12-27T08:16:00.000-08:00

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow, carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

-Jars of Clay

How can Christ carry us home
if all we do is run from Him?
if we keep trying to run away from home?

How can a blessing be created
if we're not allowing ourselves to be changed?
if we're convinced that God isn't doing it right?

How can our hearts be contrite
when all we do is tell God that He is wrong?
if we aren't allowing Him to speak?

How can love ever break through
if we turn away from it?
if we walk away from the ones who have been there all along?

This road, though we want it to be straight and narrow
will not always be that

Shelter with fire is not cozy

don't change who you are.
don't try to become someone else.
don't look at another and covet their personality.

God created you.
beautiful.
exactly as He wanted.
To change who you are...
is to tell God that you're not satisfied with His gift.

Philippians 1:6
we're not complete.
we're being in becoming.
but it's not we who change ourselves.
the work was begun with God
and must end with Him as well.

Reconcile

2008-12-23T23:09:00.000-08:00

-The title of a short story by my all time favorite author.
-A recurring theme in my life, and the lives of those around me.
-The one thing that I desperately want, yet is so hard to achieve.
-The one thing that must start with Jesus,
-and then one thing that I would rather just take care of on my own.

Reconciliation.

Brought to us by Christ all those years ago when he died on the cross.
-does it have to be so painful?

Purposed for Christ to man as well as mankind to one another.
-can I just wait for them to forgive first?

Meant to bring us closer to Christ through being close to one another.
-but it's just so hard to get to.

The hardest thing about reconciliation for me, is the fact that I have to admit that I screwed up. I was selfish and pushed someone away. Or maybe I have to admit that they were a jerk, but I selfishly overreacted. One way or another, through reconciliation (which I am desperate to have), I simply must admit that I was selfish.

I was selfish when I made a relationship about myself instead of God...
-and it blew up into a million pieces.
-Now I need to reconcile.
-But first, I have to say, "I'm sorry."

I was selfish when I pushed a difficult relationship away so that I didn't have to deal with it...
-and now I miss it, and all the learning and growing that we could have shared.
-Now I have to reconcile.
-But first, I have to say, "I'm sorry."

I was selfish when I refused to be real with those closest to me, keeping secrets, and distancing myself...
-and now I see how I was damaging myself as well as those I loved.
-Now I have to reconcile.
-But first, I have to say, "I'm sorry."

Why is it so difficult to admit that I was a fool?
Do I realize it every time?
Do I make justifications for hurting people?
yes.
I have hundreds of good reasons why I did what I did,
but now that the veil is lifted, I can see the hurt that I caused.
I thought I was going to follow Christ by what I did,
but now I can see that Christ would never
ever
want me to cause anyone heartache in his name.

There's always a better way than losing a relationship.
There is no friend that is worth losing.
Because if Jesus really did all those things that I
BELIEVE with ALL MY HEART
then I can say with resolve
There is no good reason for all the self-serving I have done.
There was no good reason for me to lose all those friends.

and

If I can't reconcile with those people,
then I am not following Jesus.
Because Jesus came here to earth
to have reconciliation.
Not just with me.
Not just with everyone else.
But so that I could reconcile with my brothers and sisters.

After all, we're spending eternity together.

Might as well get started on reconciling now.

So Ready

2008-12-21T22:14:00.000-08:00

I was so ready for the encounter.
I was so ready to talk.
I knew what to say.
I had a speech.
It was all planned out.

I had poise.
I had prose.
I had strength.

I was ready to forgive.
To move on.
To reconcile.
Because Christ didn't come to just save me.
He came to save my relationships with others.
And if I can't learn to reconcile
Then I'm not a follower.

It was going to be kind.
Considerate.
It was going to set me free.
Finally.

But the snow.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't get to where I needed to be.
I wanted to.
I begged.
But the snow didn't listen.
The skies continued.

Now here I am...
Still stuck.
I knew what to say.
I wanted so bad...
to get it over with.
To be free.
Finally.

Why, God?

I was so ready.

and now...

I'm just not so sure.

Christmas

2008-12-20T13:27:00.000-08:00

The most wonderful time of the year. Everything is bright and beautiful, sparkles fall from the sky. And we can slow down and take the time to appreciate all that we have.

But we never seem to do that. All we do is buy things for ourselves and others that we "need" rather than being thankful for what we have. And we spend so much time running around trying to get everything done, that we don't let ourselves slow down.

So let's take a breath...think of everything we have...appreciate it. Enjoy the season. Think of others before we think of ourselves. I think it will make the season better both for us, and everyone around us.

Exhaustion

2008-12-18T21:13:00.000-08:00

Finals...

can't
go
on
much
longer...

I am so exhausted.

Mentally: My brain hurts! There is so much to learn and know and memorize and remember! It's too much. I have so much trouble with tests anyway, it's murder to have 4 in a week like this, and even worse to have more than one a day.

Physically: I can't sleep. I am so tired. I am so stressed that I can't sleep. It's ridiculous.

Emotionally: Finals are so hard to cope with. I am forced to compare myself to other people, and then my self-esteem takes a nose-dive. I often go through periods in my studying when I just feel like I don't know anything, and I don't know why I'm bothering to apply to nursing school, because I'll never make it, because it's too hard, because I'm not smart enough. I know it's not true. I know that someday I'll be ok, but this is too much.

I wonder if the school knows how psychologically and physically unhealthy finals week is...they must, because they all have Ph.D.s so they have gone through this too, and survived.

So I guess that's what college does.

We're always told not to compare ourselves to other people, but we have to. If we weren't compared to other people, then we could never make judgments for who to choose for a job, or a scholarship, or to marry, etc.

So here's to survival of the fittest.

Truly Alive

2008-12-15T07:58:00.000-08:00

I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive

and yet I feel so very comatose
stuck where I am
like a prison, I can't escape
but there is no warden
no guards
only my own selfishness
my own stubbornness
keeping me locked up
I can't feel alive
I won't let myself
if only
if only I were to break free

what would I do?
where would I go?
who would I meet?

am I capable?
I tell myself no because it's too hard
change is too hard
vulnerability is too hard

and

to be truly alive
first I would have to die to the rest of it

and I don't know
if I could handle it
what would happen
what I would do
where I would go
who I would meet

and I can't stand not knowing

after all, it's my life

...right?

The Other Side

2008-12-14T01:13:00.001-08:00

the grass is always greener...
I felt like coming to Pullman would do that for me. I was so excited for a new place, new experiences. I was so ready to move on. To make big changes. To "grow up." And I have. I have done all those things. But now I just want to be done. I want to go home.

And all I can think about is the fact that I have one more semester before coming home. And I can't wait! I have no idea what's going to happen to me. I have no idea where I will live, or what I will do in Spokane, but I can't wait to get back! I don't feel like I'm home here. It's not a prison, but it's not where I want to be.

I want to be working at Camp Spalding this summer. SO bad. I have wanted to work there since I was in junior high. And this summer, I could have my chance! But can I afford it? No. Would I do it anyway? I sure hope so. But I work so hard to take control. I don't like letting God provide, because I feel like He usually waits till the last second to do so. I would rather just be in control. But that didn't work this semester. God provided that last grant just when I needed it. Not a day too soon or too late.

I want to be a leader in a small group or a ministry. But I can't right now. And yet it's the best thing that could be happening to me right now. I finally get to learn by learning, rather than learning by leading. Why did I never do this until now?

I want to work as hard as I did in high school and still get the grades I got in high school, but just in my college classes. And I can't do that. But I'm learning how to manage my time. I'm learning HOW I learn. I'm learning how much I can handle and when my "social life" has to go on hold for a day or so. How is this bad?

So I can't have what I want. I want the greener grass. I want to be somewhere else. I want something different. But I'm here, now, for a purpose. And nothing that is happening to me right now is bad. I am learning. I am growing. All of the things that I complain about are helping me realize why I don't need to complain.

So...life is good?
I guess it's up to me.

anger, hurt, fear

2008-12-13T00:46:00.000-08:00

anger:
whatever happened to make the world fall.
no matter how hard i seem to try, i can't be all that i want.
my favorite person hurts.
i want to be alone, yet i need someone to be my best friend.
i can't have it all.
the president of my university gave himself a raise, and then a pay-cut that was less than the raise.
the administration of my college could thrive off of half of what they're making and give the rest as scholarships for those of us who can't afford toothpaste right now.
i want to spend time with Jesus, but can't find it.
i haven't made time to spend with Jesus.
i'm like butter spread too thin on a piece of toast.

hurt:
someone hurt my favorite person.
i can't find what i'm good at.
i have no best friend.
finals are going to kill me.
i know i am listened to, but i feel that no one hears.
i loved, and was not loved in return.
i have a longing for something more, and cannot reach it.
i gave up on myself.

fear:
i might not get into nursing school.
i have the best laid plans.
i know those aren't the plans for me.
my classes are so hard.
college is too expensive.
i don't know what will have happened to the world by the time i'm done with college.
i might not ever have the guts to tell all the people i love that Jesus loves them.

love:
Jesus took my anger and gave me justice.
Jesus took my hurt and gave me healing.
Jesus took my fear and gave me a promise of eternal life.

Here it comes now

2008-12-12T11:24:00.001-08:00

The heart breaking makes a sound
I never knew could be.
so beautiful and loud
fury-filled and we
collide...
So courageous until now
fumbling and scared;
so afraid you'll find me out
alone here with my doubt.
here it comes a beautiful collision
is happening now
there seems no end to where you begin
and where I end now.
something circling inside
spaciously in flight,
infinite and wide
like the moon and sky...
collide...
here it comes a beautiful collision
is happening now.
there seems no end to where you begin
and where I end now.
you and I
collide...
here it comes now...
collide...

here it comes now...

how long
till you hear us?
till you come back?
we ain't giving up.
how long
till you heal us?
till you come back?
we ain't giving up.
rise up.

Sleep now, my child

2008-12-08T15:28:00.000-08:00

I have had a rough couple weeks with sleep. I have been having a recurring dream (really weird one), and waking up several times through the night. So I'm thinking that I need to:

1) Get more exercise

2) De-stress (give me a couple weeks)

3) Take a daily multi-vitamin

That should help, right? I hope so.

And in other sleep news, it has been interesting to me that I can't remember a single good dream I've had in the past 3 weeks. Does this mean that I'm being a negative person, or that I'm simply down on my luck with which dreams I remember? Who knows...but I am going to try something new. I'm going to start doing a "Ono Kine Grinz" inventory before I go to bed at night. Ono kine grinz is Pidgin for "good food." Don't worry, I'm not just going to think about the good food I've had that day, but I'm going to think about my "daily bread." I'm going to think only positive thoughts as soon as I lay my head down at night until I fall asleep (at which point I'm pretty sure I lose all control over my thoughts).

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I know exactly what stressing event is interrupting my sleep, and the sooner that's over, the sooner I can breathe easy and sleep through the night. But this should help.

Reality Check

2008-12-03T23:08:00.000-08:00

When I was in high school, the youth group I went to was incredible. Actually I had 2. But I missed out on one of them most of the time, because of many reasons...but those are another story. One of those groups, though, was at First Pres Spokane. It's called Praxis. It's a Greek word. I loved that youth group, all the people, the atmosphere, the incredible friends I made there... One thing I always struggled with, though, was fitting in. I wanted so bad to be accepted and one of the crowd. I make friends easily (though I usually don't think I can) and in this group, I quickly found about 20 people that I would consider friends. People I would go out to coffee with, have real conversations with... or so I thought.

I try so hard to be "real." One of the first few times I went to that youth group, just as we were getting calmed down and into the real message, the leader was asking questions, just for anyone to shout an answer to. One of the questions I thought was kind of cheesy, and I said a cheesy answer. Not to get off topic, but just because when I think something is funny, I usually say it. I will never forget: my boyfriend was sitting next to me, and as the leader laughed off my answer (which was the intent), my boyfriend leaned to me and said, "He's trying to get people to be real, ok?" I felt my stomach drop. Not only was I being chastised by my boyfriend (he was never good doing that with much grace, so I gave benefit of the doubt), but I was also being told "be real." I can't do that. I don't know how to do that. I live this life that no one really knows the depths of. I fool myself into believing that even God doesn't know my deepest darkest secrets. But He does. So who am I fooling?

I fool myself into thinking that this 'witty remarks' girl is the real me. But that's just me trying to please the world. The real me is much less cool. Much more vulnerable. Much more afraid. I was told last week by a drunk guy who lives on the same floor as me, "Monica, you're so cool and real when I'm drunk!" What a compliment, right? I'm just trying to put this poor wasted fellow into his bunk, and that's the thanks I get. I'm sure he meant well... But my point is, I don't know who the real me is. I try on identity after identity (even going through a slightly emo/rocker phase in high school) and I still have no clue. When I'm completely honest with myself, I feel like I just want to run away from it all. I want people to want me, and be with me, but I just want to be alone. That doesn't work so well...

I find myself making mistakes, too. When you're trying out a new identity, sometimes the old ones find their way through. When I try to be the Birkenstock/coffee-shop/Chaco girl, I accidentally let some of the sports star or the fashionista show through. And it makes it that much easier for people to see right through my facade.

But here is what I'm beginning to realize: I am bits and pieces of all of those. The parts that are me, have stuck. The parts that aren't have been dropped. A friend of mine and I laugh about all the different social circles that I hang out with. Just tonight, I spent time with my girl friends, the computer nerds, the weightlifters, and the Settlers of Catan players. I identify with all of them. Maybe because I like what they do. Maybe because every identity has its own life cry. And maybe one life cry wasn't enough for me.

Star Trek

2008-11-30T13:17:00.000-08:00

Weird title, but hang with me.

Today in church, my dad was talking about struggling with longing. Being my dad, his sermon illustration was Star Trek. But it was right on. In Star Trek, the energy problem has been solved. There is always enough food, and they can heal just about any disease or injury. Life is sustainable with their transporters. They can go where they need in an instant, and come back in the same amount of time.

But they still have struggle. They still have longing. At one point, when Spock has finally learned all that there is to know about the universe, he asks, "Is this all there is?" What a question. The crises of the universe have been solved, everything that is to be known is now known. And all he can ask is, " is this all there is?"

We always look for more. We think that once we solve the energy crisis everything will be ok. Or maybe if we finally become a sustainable people, then things will be ok and we won't have to struggle anymore. But even after all that, there is longing for something more. There is the need and desire to arrive at a better place. We're not satisfied.

Good!

This place of longing for something more allows us to have the drive and motivation to continue to change the world. It gives us purpose. It begs us to go out and find a meaning and reason. So let's do that. Because we know that this is not all there is.

I'm Not Who I Was

2008-11-27T23:13:00.001-08:00

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

-Brandon Heath

Invitation

2008-11-24T20:12:00.001-08:00

"The table is set by human hands, but the invitation comes from God himself."

Why is it so hard to invite someone to church if you aren't sure they're a Christian?

Tithe

2008-11-22T23:40:00.000-08:00

Alright. I tithed. And now I have $9 in my checking account and one dollar bill on my desk. And I can't use Resident Dining Account money this week because all the campus dining centers are closed. And I'm here for 3 more days. Hm...

But I have food in my cupboard. Not a lot, but it will last 3 days. And I get paid in 3 days. This works out well.

Surprisingly well...

Thanks, God, for watching out for me.

The Effect of Apathy

2008-11-19T23:53:00.000-08:00

I've been at a place recently where I haven't cared much. I have been doing what I need to do in order to get by, but nothing above and beyond. I was at several interviews today, and in each one, they asked me what stood out about me over other applicants. How do I answer that?

"I really don't care much, but I'll do a good job because that's what it takes to get a paycheck."

Don't worry, that's not what I answered (I said something along the lines of my friendliness and inclination to take initiative for things that need to get done). But anyway...

I kind of feel like that's where I am with life. I'm not really passionate about my classes or my major or anything really. I'm just doing a good job because that's what it takes to get to where I'm headed.

It's a slum...it's not depression, it's apathy. Lack of emotion.

Whatevs...

Psychology

2008-11-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

In my psychology class today, we learned about mental disorders.

Manic Disorder
Major Depressive Disorder
Bipolar Disorder
Schizophrenia

We watched videos of psychological therapy sessions with patients who have this disorder. It was real life, not acting. These people really had these problems. And they can't do anything about it.

And people laughed.

Loud.

And I cried.

Call me a softie, but I guess I just didn't find anything funny about what was going on with these people. Sure it sounds crazy that a lady is haunted by an eagle who happens to work for General Motors and tells her that it is going to kill her. That's not her fault. And she's completely undone about this. That's why she's seeking help. She wants this eagle to leave her alone and stop threatening to kill her. That's not something I laugh at. That's tragic. I can handle a lot of tough stuff. But I don't do well with torture. And these people are tortured.

Yes it's a video so they can't hear you laughing, but that's not the point. If you saw these people in real life, you wouldn't laugh in their face at what they were doing. But you would go back and tell your friends what happened and have a good guffaw at it.

It makes me sick.

These people are being tortured every day by visions and voices and feelings they can't control. They can't stop their actions.

And we laugh.

Maybe it's because I worked at a psychologists' office. Maybe it's because I have seen tortured people and worked with them...even if it was just to schedule them for their next visit. They're people. And they want help.

Yet we still laugh.

Scared to Live

2008-11-12T23:45:00.000-08:00

All the "what-ifs" of life have been nagging me for the past few weeks, and it's starting to get old.

What if I don't get into nursing school?

What if I don't pass nursing school?

What if I end up with huge debt after college?

What if the economy crashes so much that I can't afford to pay my debt?

What if my job after college doesn't pay the bills?

What if I am always living paycheck to paycheck?

It seems like these all have to do with money. Ah money. Can't live without it. Love of it is the root of all evil. I can't seem to forget about it. For some reason it's always in the back of my mind. I am so poor. I can't afford college. I can't spend money when I want to because I have none. It kind of stinks out loud. I go shopping, and can't buy anything...I don't have money for Christmas presents for my family and friends. Money is ridiculous. It's great if you have it. If you don't have it, where do you go? I can't work as much as I need to in order to make up what I need to pay. I have to go to class and study.

I need to tithe. I get to tithe a total of $42. It's small, but that's from my savings and checking combined. And let me tell you, it is going to be hard to let go of that $42. I know God will provide for the faithful, and that faith is what was credited to Abraham as righteousness. But it's going to take a lot of faith to trust that God will reward that $42...It's hard to think that God is taking care of me when I'm working 2 jobs and currently looking for more. It's hard to think that I don't have to worry about money. But the lilies of the fields...and the birds of the air...don't worry, but in everything, with prayer and petition...

Alright...here goes.

Veteran's Day

2008-11-11T13:10:00.000-08:00

Veteran's Day is a great day to remember and honor those who keep our country safe and secure. Now I know that most Americans, myself included, don't really do anything to honor our veterans on this day. Instead we like to just take the day off and veg. I guess we should do more to honor them, and many do, but the majority just says, "Thanks, veterans, for getting us the day off!" The idea behind it is good though...

So to my point: I know a few people who are...boycotting, for lack of a better word...Veteran's Day. They are pacifists. That's fine, but does that mean that they should be able to heckle and demean our veterans? I agree that if world leaders would get in a cage fight instead of using innocent young men and women to fight their wars, then we would have a different planet, but that's not the way it is. And I think that it's downright incredible that these men and women will willingly put their lives on the line to stand up for what they believe in. Many of them don't agree with what they're fighting for. Many of them will disagree with the purpose behind the battle they're fighting. But because of the world we live in, we have war. I'm down with stopping war. I'm not down with demeaning those who put their lives on the line to keep their loved ones safe.

If people want to boycott, then fine. Boycott war. I agree. But the world we live in has caused us to have war. So once again, we deal with what the world has dealt us, and we fight back. Get angry at the world leaders sending these men and women to fight their battles. Though, before you do that, make sure you know all the facts. Walk a mile in their shoes. But whatever you do, don't discredit the loyal, dedicated men and women who are keeping you in a country where you can have an opinion. We are free to disagree simply because our military has fought for that right. So instead of blowing off our veterans, let's go ahead and thank them for selflessly working to keep us all safe. If you want to complain, go ahead...you're allowed to do that because of our veterans. But don't complain about them.

Lamentations 3:58

2008-11-10T11:51:00.000-08:00

It goes like this:
"Oh Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life."

I like that a lot. Because it's true. I plead my case to the heavens, and God himself takes my case, and redeems my life. He doesn't just save my life, but redeems it. If he were just to save my life, that would be already too huge to comprehend. But he doesn't stop there. He saved my life, and then he redeemed it. He is fixing my life. Every action I take, he uses it to further his glory.

So I don't have to worry about every single decision I make. Yes I will still look at all the consequences I can foresee, and no I won't just "wing it" in life. But I will worry less, because God took up my case and redeemed my life. As long as I'm living to further God's glory, he can work with that. Well he can work with whatever I will give him.

Anyway, this is exciting to me, and really helpful in getting past the past in order to not worry about the future. God is in control. And he is the redeemer.

And I know my redeemer lives. All of creation testifies This life within me cries,
"I know my Redeemer lives!"

Ok cheesy, but every now and again, I like that song...

Savoring the Moment

2008-11-08T00:17:00.000-08:00

I was recently part of a psychology study about "What Makes People Happy?" That was actually the name of the study. So what happened was that I went in two weeks ago and took a bazillion questionnaires about my level of happiness and satisfaction with life. And then they taught us a technique called "savoring the moment." With this technique, one is supposed to increase their overall happiness by making happy moments last longer, turn out better, and stay in the memory more effectively.

So for two weeks, we were all supposed to "savor moments" every day and log the number of times we did it. Basically, when good things happened to us, we chose to have a good attitude about it, and that was supposed to make us happier.

I think that's funny. I like Philippians 2:5 which says, "your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." I am under the impression that you choose your own attitude, and that you can choose how you will react to situations. So I don't think my answers changed that much.

It's all about the way you react to situations. You can either choose to be unimpressed with life, or you can choose to be amazed. I try to choose to be amazed.

Who can fathom the mysteries of God?

Loving the Rain

2008-11-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

So it's raining today. And I am loving it. I have always loved the rain (though some people tell me that I just didn't live on the west side long enough) and when it rains, I feel happy. When it rains, I want to go running. When it rains, I feel alive.

I was thinking today as it started raining. I know, watch out! But I was thinking that I become increasingly deep when I am in the rain. The same phenomenon occurs when I am in downtown Spokane in the evening, but that is another story. I was thinking that I like the rain because it makes me think.

And I like the rain because it makes everything clean. I like green. Real green. Real green is achieved when leaves and foliage are clean. Rain cleans them, thus achieving real green. That makes me happy.

I like being cozy. Rain is a perfect excuse to go inside and just cozy up by the window and read. I like to read too. Rain is just such a lovely thing. I like it.

Rain is also such a perfect excuse for hot cocoa. Hot cocoa and a blanket. And extra lamps. I like lamps. A lot. I have 3 in my room along with my light. At home, I had 7. And that is a waste of energy to use them all, so I waited for rainy days to use them all. So I like rain because I can use my lamps.

The rain will soon turn to snow. Give it a few weeks. And that will be lovely too. Until January. Then it will just be gross and gray and messy. But that's ok too, because that's also a perfect excuse to sit by the window and read. Or daydream. Or ponder. Or just think.

Musings on Politics

2008-11-05T14:19:00.000-08:00

I don't like politics. I am uninformed and I don't care, because there's no way I could ever know both sides of the story in truth. But I do know that the elections are over. And for president at least, we can stop bickering. But we won't...ah well. Such is life.

So Barack Obama will be our president starting in January of 2009. And as soon as something goes right, all the die-hard Obama supporters will be screaming, "We told you so!" to the ones who voted for McCain. And as soon as he does something wrong, all the die-hard McCain people will answer back, "HA! We told you so!" But the same thing would have happened in reverse if McCain had won.

You can please all of the people some of the time,
and some of the people all of the time,
but you can't please all of the people all of the time.

So this is where "We the People" come in. It is going to be our choice to accept what the majority has put into place, and make the best of it. Obama will do his best. McCain would have done the same if elected. But We the People like to have someone to blame. Or something to gloat about. Preferably both.

The Word tells us:
[24]If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. [25]If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
Mark 3:24-25

So here we have our modern-day kingdom. We lovingly call it a democracy. And right now, we are divided. But let's get past that and just take what we've been given and run with it. Let's join together to make the best of what we have. That means accepting what happens, and not worrying about "whodunit" or whether we should or shouldn't have done something. It's done, so let's take care of it.

Common among first year college students

2008-10-29T22:46:00.000-07:00

Depression?

a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity.
-Yeah sort of.

a long-term economic state characterized by unemployment and low prices and low levels of trade and investment.
-LOL!

natural depression: a sunken or depressed geological formation
-Not that.

sad feelings of gloom and inadequacy
-Something like that...

depressive disorder: a state of depression and anhedonia so severe as to require clinical intervention.
-How severe exactly?

pushing down; "depression of the space bar on the typewriter"
-Uhm no.

Ok so maybe I'm depressed. How unfortunate. But why? I guess according to research, if I have clinical depression, it's just chemicals in my brain malfunctioning, and it should all be fixed by drugs. But I don't think I have that. I think it has something to do with EVERYTHING in my life changing all at once. I think it has something to do with the fact that I have to, for the first time, actually put all my trust in God. Even for the financial aspect of my life. And that's hard. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't have my mommy and daddy to hug me and make it all better anymore. I think it has to do with the fact that everything is more challenging now. I think it has to do with the fact that I just feel lonely. I am surrounded with some of the best friends a person could ask for, and I'm lonely. It's not their fault; they're amazing. It's my fault. I want to feel loved at a deeper level. I want Jesus. But it's so hard to get to the point where it's a disciplined commitment. But I want it. That's a start.

There is nothing left

2008-10-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

I was talking with my big sister one time about faith and people's perceptions of God and worship. I love worship. I try to make every moment of my life an act of worship. I also love worship in the sense of singing at church and taking communion. And she said something interesting to me about worship in song. She said that many people sometimes get a strong sense of emotion and passion when singing those songs. And it's true. Music and the poetry of the lyrics often illicit deep emotional responses from us. Myself included. It's a great feeling of connection with God. But it's just a feeling.

I remember a few years ago coming back from camp and singing the songs in church just didn't do it for me. They were some of the same songs, but it just wasn't the same. Why? I honestly thought that I was just doing a bad job of connecting with God or that there was some huge sin that I hadn't really repented for in my life getting in the way. I got so hooked on finding that same "feeling" again that I missed out on some great things. Some incredible sermons that I could have benefited from...I spent the whole time just wondering to myself what was wrong with my relationship with God.

And it's interesting what my sister said. It's more than a feeling (forgive the Boston sound-alike). But it's so much more than the feeling of a "high" on God. It's more than the mountain top. The real gift is when we come down from the mountain and can offer it to others. Growth, service, learning. Some things that are so important to a real relationship with God. The "feeling"...it's great. But it's not the pivotal point.

and here is the answer

2008-09-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

[16]So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. [17]For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. [18]But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

[19]The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; [20]idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions [21]and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

[22]But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, [23]gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. [24]Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. [25]Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. [26]Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Galatians 5:16-26 NIV

At the Crossroads

2008-09-24T11:28:00.001-07:00

I have an interesting choice posed before me:

I can either be bitter towards God and just do what the world does, which is easy and looks pretty fun.

OR

I can find out what God has to say to me through all this heartbreak (yes it's still broken...I haven't let it be healed yet) and glorify Him in all things, which is harder, and since I'm already kind of mad at God and realllllllly impatient, does not seem like so much fun.

At work last night, I just wanted to go with everyone else to the parties they were describing, get wasted and forget everything (though I don't think it would work quite so nicely the first time I drank) and find some random guy to tell me I'm pretty desirable, since I don't have one of those any more. Sounds horrible as I write it actually...ha.

And then at the INN last night, I wanted nothing more than to let God heal my heart and have my life and make me into His child. I wanted to glorify Him forever and never think of anything else.

SO

How can I stay away from the people who make me want all this bad stuff without living in a bubble? Maybe I just need to stay away from them long enough to get strong in God again and then I can go into the world again? Is that how it works? Honestly, I don't want what the world wants. I want Jesus. I want to be in love with Jesus more than anything else. But that's way harder than it should be. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I know the choice I want to make, but it's so hard. So how can I make it easier? How can I get help? It doesn't seem effective to get help from the one that I need help knowing.

Welcome to leaving everything behind!

2008-09-21T16:29:00.000-07:00

I'm letting go of the life I've planned for me, and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny. It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe. So I'm letting go. Francesca Battistelli wrote this. I like it. It sucks, but I like it.

I had my life all planned for me, and now I'm letting go. Not because I wanted to, but because I've had everything I know and love ripped away from me.
Sounds dramatic, but I guess I can afford to be dramatic. It sure has been an emotional ride. I had it all planned out. I was going to be with him forever. He was my "one". And then he decided that it wasn't going to work out. He is off doing something new and different now, and I'm not a part of that.
He was the one that I went to with everything. He was my closest friend. Almost my only friend. That wasn't smart. Now I know. I've learned a lot in the last week since "The Breakup" as I've come to fondly think of it.

It's a confusing place to be in. Can I say that this is God's doing? Is He trying to tell me something through this? But then isn't there a message from Him in everything? Or do we just place meaning in everything? So is there even a God or are we just making something up to give this all meaning? Ah faith. Where are you?
It's interesting to have everything shaken up. It challenges everything I thought I knew. I thought I knew I would be with him forever. I thought it was real when he said "I love you forever. No matter what." Faith. I trusted it. And it was real while it lasted, or so he says.

But back on topic...like I was saying, it's hard to deal with the fact that everything has changed. And I know that whatever God has in store for me will be infinitely better than anything I could ever have planned on my own. But it was sure nice to be comfortable and know what was happening. Now I have to do this pesky thing called trust. I was fine trusting Josiah, but trusting God? I can't see Him. I can't slap Him in the face when he hurts my feelings.

The bad news:
I'm kind of bitter.
I keep wanting to wait around and hope he'll come back to me.
I have trouble thinking that I could ever love anyone else.
My faith is taking a beating.

The good news:
I have hope.
I'm talking to God a lot more now. Even if it's angry sometimes...
I'm learning patience.
I sill do have faith. I really do.

It just hurts. But I'm letting go of the life I've planned for me. And my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny. It's a beautiful letdown.

Idea to help all the poor girls out there.

2008-06-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

For those women out there on birth control for reasons other than those implied by the name, shall we rally together for a renaming of these drugs? At the very least something like "menstrual control" would be better than "birth control" when we're most definitely NOT needing to control birth? Just saying...

the end of an era

2008-06-05T10:16:00.001-07:00

It’s amazing how quickly the last few days of high school have gone. I wish it was already over…I have classes for a week and a half past graduation because of Running Start, but I have now only 5 days left until I’m done. Only 3 days of school. It’s just whizzed by. I’m amazed. I remember the first day of my senior year. I did NOT want to go to school. I was so upset that summer was over. Last summer was probably the best summer I have ever had between the Mexico trip, camp, and just hanging out with friends. And here I go into another amazing summer. It should be incredible. But I’m not quite there yet. I just took a chem test…and may have gotten as high as a 20%! But anyway…as I finish up high school, it seems like everyone is asking me all these sentimental questions like, “how does it feel to be done with high school?” or “has it been an incredible experience?” It feels kind of the same, and the experience has just been life. It’s the way you live life I suppose. You crawl around and don’t know how good you have it for the first 5 years, and then you go to school for the next 13, and then you go on. It’s just the sequence of events. High school has just been a step in life that I took because it was “what you do.” Some of my friends were in tears at graduation because of this huge chapter in life coming to a close. It doesn’t feel that way to me. It just feels like I’m going to stop going to one school and start going to another. Maybe I’m heartless. But I can’t get too sentimental about it. I did cry when my mom handed me the card she and dad had written. But that was not because high school was over or anything, it was because of all the amazing things they wrote. So what is it I’m missing? Should I wait until finals are over and see how I “feel” then? Maybe that will help me see things the way so many of my peers seem to be seeing them. Or maybe I’m not going to see things that way because I already left the high school scene two years ago. Who knows. But basically, yes, high school is over, and on I go. And someday I’ll realize what God has planned for me and I’ll head that direction. Until then, everything else is just preparation.

the need to get it all down

2008-04-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

So I haven't really had a need or any reason to write down what's been going on in my life lately or what big questions I've been dealing with. That is partially because I have been overwhelmingly busy and also because most of my struggles lately are not things that I would choose to have floating over the internet. But maybe it would help if they were out there for the world to see, because that might spark people, including myself, to hold me accountable to what is important and what I need in my life (Fear not, worriers, I haven't done anything stupid, I'm just...ashamed I guess of my own selfishness). But yes, selfishness is the big issue that I have been fighting for the past few months, and it seems to be an unending battle. Selfishness in every aspect of my life has been rearing its ugly head, forcing me to begin to realize how many ways one can be selfish. How annoying.

I am not a fan of selfish people. When I work in the church nursery, one of the biggest problems, yet the easiest to solve, is that of a selfish child. They create problems not only for themselves, but for their peers and the adult leaders. So when I look at my own life and see such self centered attitudes, I become rather afraid. Very afraid, actually. And I have honestly been working extremely hard to overcome my selfishness and think of others before me and not take everything personally. And I fail. Every time, I fail. Even when I do act in the best interest of others, it always coincides with what I want to be in my best interest. Again, selfish (there needs to be a synonym for 'selfish').

So I have come to the conclusion that I cannot stop being selfish without completely giving my heart, emotions, actions, and attitude to God to use as He wants for His will. Which would be an act of selflessness? Or is it? It sure would be beneficial to me. But I don't think that all selflessness has to be difficult and put me out of my way. Of course, the act of giving my all to God would be sacrificial, but I can see nothing that will work better for me in the long run. Except for my own plans for me, that is. I have these stupid ideas that make me think that I should tell God what He ought to be doing. I say "Dear God, please do this that and the other thing, and oh, yeah, thy will be done." But I forget that "thy will be done" is the part that takes away all of my "do this that and so on" and puts my trust in Him.

So my problem of selfishness seems to come down to a problem of Trust. And conveniently enough, I'm finding that the Bible study that I am doing these days in Hebrews is pointing me all towards trust. I know it in my head. My brain cells know all about trust and that it's the best thing in the world for me to trust Him. But my heart wants to take control and say that I have my best interest in mind. The problem there is that I don't know the big picture. God has the big picture and knows how I affect those around me. I only see things in my best interest for this moment. I don't have the knowledge to see how it fits in with everyone else and the future.

For example, when I was in third grade, it was a fact that God was mean and my parents were stupid to make me move all the way from my beautiful Seattle neighborhood all the way to some cow town on the other side of the state. All my friends and plans were in Seattle. How stupid could God be to mess with that? No trust there. But now, nine years later, I am seeing just how well God had His hand in all that was going on. I have grown so much in these years, and my family is so different than we would have been if we had stayed where we were. My parents trusted God, and it all worked out well, even for me.

I can see so many examples of how trusting God will make life better and how He will care for me, but I am so good at saying "this time I'm right and God is wrong!" When will I learn. When will I trust God and quit holding things close to me that are really His? Tune in next time to see how I will continue to struggle to give all that is God's to Him. It will never be easy, I don't think. But I can make a conscious effort at least.

getting overwhelmed

2008-01-16T13:29:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to stay on top of things lately and get all that I need to get done, finished. And somehow in the midst of that, I seem to have lost my desire to slash time to write. The past few weeks were some of interesting change in many aspects of my life. I have been working very hard to get my life back on track with God. I didn't think that I was off track, because I felt that I understood what God was asking of me and that I was hearing loud and clear what it was He was saying. And I was. I wasn't, however, acting upon what I was hearing. There's a difference between hearing and listening. I got the hearing down (which is an enormous blessing) but the listening, not so much. Recently, I started a book called The Jesus Creed by Scot McKnight and it has opened my eyes in so many ways. I'm reading it like a devotional (which is kind of how it's set up) and there hasn't been a chapter yet that hasn't spoken to me. And the thing is that through reading that I have been able to take what God is saying to me and teaching me through His Word and apply it to what I know He is asking of me. There's the rub: Just knowing what God wants isn't enough. Just the desire to act in obedience isn't enough. And for me, that's where I was stuck. I've never been into the Gospels, either. I love Paul's letters and even the Old Testament. Acts, Peter, all of those, I can read and enjoy, but the Gospels have been kind of dried out for me. Through all the many years of Sunday school and the correct answer to any church question (Jesus, love, or the Bible, in case you didn't know) the books which hold the stories of Jesus' life have become rather bland to me. But in reading The Jesus Creed, my eyes have been opened to a new way of reading about the Messiah. I thought I knew the stories, but how wrong I was! What I knew were the most superficial things about the stories. The words that Jesus said, the things that He did, those people that He chose to love, all His teachings hold so much weight. It's not normal, it's not bland, it's not dry. Christ is revolutionary! Those things that He was saying and doing were deeper than I ever could have imagined! They hold weight. They are the living water to my soul! I can't imagine that I ever thought I was done with the stories. I can now dig deep into the stories that I've heard for years and thought I knew. I have a thirst for the words of my King. I am hanging on the every word He says, and I can't wait to act upon the things that He designed for me to do. I told a dear friend of mine a few months ago that I felt like the Gospels were dreary to read and that I already knew the stories. Thank you for picking this book to have me read. I don't know if you knew when you chose it that it would effect me like this. I don't know if you picked it because it deals with understanding Christ and the Gospels. But thank you. And I thank God for all the good things that He is doing in my life with your help. Indeed, I can see now more clearly than ever just how much God has used my friends to further His cause in my life and all the lives around me. And I'm overwhelmed with it all. All of the love, all the knowledge, all the plans, all the majesty of it all. I am overwhelmed.

Angels we have heard on high

2007-12-25T18:30:00.000-08:00

So...fun story from my past:
When I was about 7 years old, I was on the way home from a piano lesson one night with my mother. It was near Christmastime, and I was getting more and more excited every day. This particular evening, on the ride home, I was looking at all the Christmas lights and getting lost in the spirit of the season. Soon, tears were streaming down my face as I asked my mother, "Do you hear it?" Having no idea what I meant, and seeing the tears, she replied, "What do you mean?"
"The angels," I said. "It's beautiful!"
I remember looking at the night sky and seeing exactly where the angels were singing. I didn't see them. But I saw where they were. How I know that's where they were or heard their songs, I haven't a clue. But to this day, that is my very favorite Christmas memory.
What brings it up? Well, today, as I was listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir as they performed on TV, I found myself thinking of the angel voices again, and wondering...these were Mormons who were singing of Christ the King; the same songs that I sing every year, exalting Christ in the highest. And there I was crying again at those angelic voices. I'm thankful that I'm not the ultimate judge...so thankful. And at the same time, I was thinking, "What if they're too wrong?" I wish so much for them to hear the truth and come to know it. But they believe what they've been taught just as firmly as I have come to believe my convictions. As I sat there listening to these beautiful people praising God, I found myself with prayerful tears, asking God to please reach them, and take their hearts. I don't know His will, and I won't know it fully. But I want so bad for people to come to know Him as Father and King. I don't know much about theology...I really don't know much at all. But I know that despite doctrine or dogma, God is King, and if we confess with our mouths, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in our hearts that God raised Him from the dead, we will be saved. That is my Christmas prayer amidst the tears and angelic voices. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peace. Good will toward men.

ridiculous joy

2007-12-11T21:00:00.000-08:00

I am ridiculously happy. It's ridiculous because I don't even know how I'm accomplishing it. All I'm doing is living my life...doing what I know I should do. And there you have it: I'm ridiculously joyful in every aspect of life. I'm enjoying it.

Christmas list

2007-11-27T17:30:00.000-08:00

I was told to post a Christmas wish list on my blog...so I guess I will. But I don't think that these will end up being the gift ideas that this person was looking for...

1) I would like to be able to go on the Mexico '08 trip with WA, OR, and CA.
2) I would like to have a better understanding of the people that surround me so that I can better serve them.
3) I would like to have more hours in the day so that I can get all the things done that need to be done and still have time to really get to be with people and hear their stories and help them.
4) I would like to learn how to show Christ through my actions and not be the one that gets all the glory for it.
5) I would like to be able to find the words to tell all those that I love how much they mean to me and how much they have affected my life.
6) I would like to sound a bit less like Miss America.
7) I would like to be real.

Dear Santa...
I'm not good. None of us is. But we try. We want to follow Christ. We want desparately to do what is right and turn away from what is wrong. But "what I would do this I do not. And what I would not do, this I find myself doing." I have not been good, Santa. And I don't think I ever will be fully good. But I will try to have an attitude like that of Christ Jesus. "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:5-8)

what a mighty God we serve

2007-11-25T13:57:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, God just likes to prove to us again that He really is in charge and listening to our prayers. He is so intimately involved in our lives, and sometimes it's so incredibly tangible. Out of the blue today, Teen Challenge came to our church. They didn't have a church booked for this week, so they chose to come here. How could they have known what perfect timing they had? Only God. The prayers that were offered today were from people who had no idea what was going on, and yet God put it on their hearts to say those encouraging words. I have no idea what the bulletin said we were going to do after the sermon. Unlike the stereotypical Presbyterian church, we let the Spirit lead worship, and it was beautiful. God was in church today, and He brought reinforcements with Him. There was a clear spiritual battle going on in church today, in so many lives. But it was completely obvious that the prevailing King was in control. He held the broken hearts, took the hearts of stone, and everyone left with a heart of flesh. God is so good. He is in control. Just when we're about to lose hope and think "is He really listening?" He comes in with more power and glory than we could ever imagine. We always know that everything will work out for His glory, but sometimes when we forget it or wonder just how glorious it will be, He comes into our lives and hearts and gently holds us and reminds us that He loves us. It will all be ok. When we serve a God this big and powerful and loving, all the small things that we were so worried about before become so small. When we open up our eyes, God dances for us a marvelous dance and invites us to join in the glory of His life. Face the fear of all unknown and and see His heart inside. So let's open up our eyes.

mood ring

2007-11-14T19:49:00.000-08:00

I'm pissed. And I'm kind of enjoying it.
I'm joyful. And I'm dancing through the house.
I'm sad. And I'm deeply mourning.
I'm healing. And it's getting better.
I'm giving up. And I never knew it was so easy.
I'm listening. And realizing that they were right all along.
I'm learning. And it's ok to not know everything.
I'm angry. And I'm realizing it's not that big a deal.
I'm confused. And I'm starting to get it straight.
I'm apathetic. And I'm becoming more passionate.
I'm out of control. And thats where I need to be.
Because...
I'm His. And He is my God.

where do I fit in?

2007-11-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

or do I fit in at all? Giving God control of my life...that was hard to do. And now I'm having trouble with the whole backseat driving thing. Have you ever met a really good backseat driver? Someone that makes the trip better? Someone whose amazing skills at backseat driving help you take all the correct turns and go the right speed limit and "watch out for that cat on the side of the road" that you definitely already saw? I'm one of those. I seem to be convinced that I have much deeper insight into my life than God does. And that is just downright incorrect. I know from rote that God knows best for me and knows me better than I know myself. And yet I have trouble believing it? Or is it that I'm just afraid? I'm scared that His "best for me" may not be what's in MY plans for me. Sure I gave up those plans the day that I named Jesus as my Lord and Savior. That doesn't mean I forgot that they existed ever. That doesn't mean that they don't still appeal to me.

Course, the fact that my own plans still appeal to me tells me that I have something desperately wrong. I say often that when you start following Christ with all your heart, your whole idea of fun and good and all your ideals change. If you're truly following Christ, then your whole goal will be to please Him with every inch of your life. I still believe it. And that is the whole reason that I know something is wrong with me. I am not living to please my King. I am living to please myself. And it's not necessarily evil that I am doing, but it becomes so when my sole focus with my whole self is not on Him but returns to my own spotlight on myself. I don't even like myself that much. I'm nothing special. And yet I live clinging to the hope that maybe this time I really can take the wheel from God and it will work.

See, when God takes over a life's journey, He isn't just putting you on the right track and then letting you take over again once you're headed in the correct direction. He wans to be involved in the whole journey. He wants to love us wholly. And to do that, He has to take our whole self. He loves me. He truly is the best for me. So maybe this time I'm not going to just let Him put my me on the right track again. Maybe this time I'll truly give over my position as ruler of my life. I've made a royal mess so far, and every time I ask, He comes and cleans up and changes everything to what it was meant to be. And as soon as it's "all better" I take over again saying, "Lord, it's ok...I can handle it from here. All I needed was help cleaning up the mess again." Every time.

Definition of insanity: doing something over and over again and expecting different results.

too much

2007-10-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

I am going to learn all the countries of the former CIS. Most of the rivers, too. And a lot of the seas and lakes and such. The mountain ranges as well and other physical features. I am going to learn how to conjugate the verbs "ser" and "gustar" in Spanish. I am going to learn all the vocab on page 71 and 79 of the book. I am going to learn the "ABC"s of CPR...flawlessly. I am going to do my chapter four homework and outline chapters one through three to prepare for the test in Chemistry. I am going to apply for a scholarship. I am going to start my application for college.
I am going to do all of this before tomorrow.
I am currently at the high school waiting for a meeting to discuss my senoir project.
I am then going to go to cross country practice.
I am then going to youth group.
I'll probably shower at some point.
I am hoping to sleep tonight.

Lifehouse "Everything" Skit

2007-09-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

"how are you?"

2007-09-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

So happy I could weep. I don't understand it. I have every reason to be upset and sad and hurting today. But I am so very happy. I almost feel out of line to be so happy while there is so much hurting in the world. Not even in the far away world. Close to me. But...God and I had a good day. It wasn't easy. It wasn't painless. It certainly wasn't boring. Today God and I had a good day. Simply excellent. And I am joyous. And I am praying.

where do I start?

2007-09-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

Why is it that we find our comfort and sense of belonging from other people? I was talking to a friend about it last night...we both have this need to be needed, and we know it's not something that we can ignore. And usually our friends can fill in that hole pretty well. But sometimes our friends will let us down. So we end up with pain and longing and this desire to be desired. We want to be the apple of someone's eye. Not just anyone, but we want to be needed by those we love and care about. But they let us down. They leave us behind. Well, it's not so much a thing of being left behind, but more of no longer being the most important...even that's not the right wording for it. I don't know how to say it. But what I know is that the only One who can fill that need for love is God. It's the answer we've heard since we were little kids. And it's still the right answer. Because we were created to be needed! We have that sense of needing to belong to something bigger deep within our very being. And Christ needs us to need Him. That is the only way that His love can change us. When we start needing HIM more than we need any person here on earth, then we can start being transformed by His love. But at the same time, it's important to have those friends that we care deeply about. So there's a balance that has to be reached...as is often the case with life. We have to survive and thrive on Christ and his sustaining love. and we need to have that love from others and for others as well. But Christ comes first or else all the other relationships in our lives will crumble. I'm so confused right now...I'm searching for ways to say what it is I'm trying to convey, but the right answer doesn't come in any different wording to sound less...well...lame.
"From the depths of my heart
My soul cries out.
Where do I start?
I cannot whisper. I can't even shout."

true worship

2007-09-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

God was in Church this Sunday. I was really excited about it too! Thing is, He's always there. "Wherever two or more are gathered in my name..." God is in Church every week. How come I forget to notice? I learn about Him and sing to Him, but it's different to actually really know that He is there with you. It gives a whole new depth to the entire service. And it's not just an in church thing! Everywhere I go, He has promised to be with me. If only I'd give Him glory and call on Him more often. What a blessing to have the promise of His presence within us at all times! Now if I'd just give Him glory more often...

if you try hard enough

2007-09-08T00:28:00.000-07:00

anything can turn into something satanic if you try hard enough. I was talking to a guy that I used to go to school with tonight at the football game. He was all psyched up about the numbers 23 and 32 (which is 23 backwards...whoo)...apparently 23 is now the devil's number. and ANYTHING can be skewed somehow to become 23 or 32 somehow. duh. I was listening to it for about 10 minutes, and this kid was thrilled every time that he skewed something to be satanic. it bothered me. I told him. I said "Duh, everything can be skewed to be satanic if you try hard enough. If I wanted to, I could skew everything to be Christian." but for some reason, the skewing towards the bad gets people on that bandwagon, and the skewing towards the good gets called "exaggeration." why is that?? it bothers me.
and then there's the thing that if I try hard enough, I'd be worshiping God at church and welcoming Jesus rather than turning away the "sinners"...well not the "sinners" per se...just this one kid. the reardan people know who I'm talking about. sad. I don't want him to come to sunday school. he's in desperate need of attention all the time and gets it however he can. I want him to get over himself and just start living a normal life. I'm a jerk. I am trying to mold him into what I want him to be. I should be helping him find what Jesus wants him to be. but at this point, I'm having trouble (major troubs, dani) just being ok with his presence. and honestly, I don't think I'm the one to lead him to Jesus. I can't handle it. and he...scares me. not just metaphorically. I'm afraid of him. I don't know what to do. I know I need to be welcoming and quit being a selfish brat about "my" church. I don't like it. I don't like how I don't like him. I don't like how I want to be good, but just can't make myself do it. I don't like how I feel like my "niceness" to him feels fake. it bothers me.
finally, there's the news. which I had the misfortune of watching tonight. Anything can be turned into bad news if you try hard enough. Or they can make you believe it's good news if they try hard enough. I've been reading "Deadline" by Randy Alcorn (love his stuff!!) and had some amazing insight into the media and journalism as a whole, televised or printed. I like one of his quotes, "We hire people now not just because they can write well and do good research and are disciplined and energetic, but because they're part of a certain group. So now it's like having that group as an in-house censor, telling us what is and is not sensitive, what is and is not acceptable. One of our basic goals in the old journalism was to train writers to separate themselves from their vested interests. Now we hire people precisely because of their vested interests.Some of these people are good reporters, but some of them are there to make the paper an arm of some cause. And that compromises the integrity of the paper. If they want to go serve their cause, fine, let them join the ACLU or NOW or the Church of the Hokey Pokey or whatever, but get out of journalism!"-one of the characters in the book...fantastic. what does and does not get put on the news or in the paper is always there or missing very much on purpose. and sometimes, the decision making on such is very biased. it bothers me.

vicarious living/when?

2007-09-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

Missionaries:
we cheer them on, we think they're great, we pray for them, we even pay for them, but God forbid we become one. We're so comfortable in our Church pews, and we shudder at the thought of going somewhere else. Not to mention the idea of sharing the Gospel with those who might have no background knowledge of Christianity. We're just fine discussing our faith with our pastor or even some select Christian friends. But we fear talking about it with others. Be it our neighbor or a complete stranger, we can't bring ourselves to do it. What if we mess up? what if they throw one at us that we're not prepared to answer back to? What if we *gasp* come across as a happy-go-lucky, phony, ignorant, uneducated, foolish, bigoted, religious fundamentalist?? (the devil has done awful damage to our ability to share the Gospel using that fear.) We're so afraid of what could happen that can't even imagine being God's hands and feet. Let the real missionaries do it. They've been called to service in Christ Jesus...we feel called to the refrigerator for a soda. We're quite happy where we are...not sharing Christ in any way. We don't even have to go all to the ends of the earth. we can be missionaries even in our own neighborhood. But a missionary told me recently that one's own neighborhood is the most difficult place to be that. Even Jesus had troubles in his own hometown...
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When did sharing the Gospel and talking about Christ become something we don't enjoy? When did it start sounding corny to bless someone as they leave? When did people sharing the Fantastic News start sounding to everyone like crazy over-happy weirdos? When did we stop wanting that? and why?
Why is the Joy of the Lord such an awkward thing to speak of? When did it all start being awkward? We can talk about our faith at Church, youth group, camp, D-group, but outside of those, unlikely.
So let's change the fact that it's awkward, right? Lots of things that used to be awkward are now generally accepted. Talking about sex, for one, used to be awkward, but now we hear all about it walking down the halls. Hm, talking about Jesus is awkward, but talking about sex isn't? Something is backwards, and I know I'm not the only one who thinks so. But then why haven't we done anything about it? are we afraid again? is it too big a task try to change society? are we even enjoying society's view? Have we forgotten Jesus? Do we doubt His ability to work with us and through us? Do we worry that it'll be too much change? all these questions! Let someone else be the change...says everyone...so nothing happens.

pointing out the obvious

2007-09-02T23:49:00.000-07:00

I think it's interesting how things can be hidden in plain sight. I, for one, am a master of missing the obvious. My keys are often right in front of me and yet I'll search frantically in the least likely places that they might be. Or I'll be yelling for Renee and she's in the same room. I just miss the obvious a lot it seems.
and that's the way it is a lot in the big picture, too. I have such a heart for missions, and I yearn to spread the Gospel of Christ to the world, but I'm missing the obvious. there's such a need right where I am, and I'm missing the opportunity because I'm frantically looking elsewhere for it.
like the keys...I found it...right under my nose.

almighty God

2007-08-31T02:19:00.000-07:00

I am reading a good book. It's called SHINE and it's by...you guessed it...the Newsboys. and there was a page in it that made me think. it said that we forget to love Jesus and instead fall in love with ourselves when we do good works. I forgot the page else I'd use the quote. anywho, it made me think about something that maybe everyone needs to hear now and again.
we love our own good deeds and the way those make us feel more than we love Jesus. sucks doesn't it? but it doesn't have to hurt to know that if we understand something else: one of the reasons that we have trouble truly loving Jesus is because we are convinced that we are unlovable, which is why we do all these good deeds anyway. we keep all these reasons that we are not worthy of being loved, which stops us from letting Him love us.
Until you know Jesus' love, you cannot love yourself or others. Seems like a catch-twenty-two, doesn't it? But here's the thing: we love Jesus because He first loved us. Because He loves us, we can know Him and come to love Him as well. It's just a matter of believing Him when He says He loves you. And, frankly, I think our God is often too small. See, we have this amazing God who moves mountains and created the universe, and yet we deem Him incapable of loving us. Sounds like we're considering ourselves more powerful than God. We say He is all-powerful, then turn around and command what He can and cannot do. We don't have that power over God, and we have to quit pretending that we do. God is King. and we don't decide what kind of authority He has. God IS capable of loving you. and me. and everyone. He died to prove it! and now here we sit claiming that the most awesome and glorious act of love in all history is just plain invalid? I think not. God is so awesome and powerful that He can love even us.
Now it's true we don't deserve it. But that is the beauty of God. We are un-holy. the opposite of what we should be. but by this love that we don't deserve, we are made holy and are able to stand in His presence-something that is impossible to earn/deserve.
it isn't crazy or invalid that He loves you.
it's a beautiful demonstration of God's power.
Let Him be King.

destroying my happy

2007-08-28T21:54:00.000-07:00

turns out, being happy is a very complicated process. I don't think that it's an easily explainable thing, but being happy is difficult, because so many people are constantly trying to "bring you back to the real world" because supposedly you can't be happy there. how come?
I want to know why it is that I can't find joy in the small things and have that joy effect me all day?
or why I'm supposed to get my head out of the clouds and be reasonable.
because I can't be happy all the time.
well, duh.
but I can be happy most of the time. what ever happened to "finding joy in our sorrows"? I am not a good learner. but when I learn from my experiences, no matter how awful they were, that makes me happy.
I am not a constantly happy person, fear not.
but I am happy when I am around people. alone time can be for sad or mad if need be, but people only see me happy because when I am surrounded by people, that makes me happy.
so can I be happy?
will that bother anyone that only very few people actually see me down in the dumps?
because if it does, sorry.

begin transmission...

2007-08-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

here I is entering the world of blogging. it's a verb. I wonder how much of my thoughts will be read by others. understood. cared about? who knows. but hey, at least now I won't have a bazillion notebooks and papers floating about my room and bags and car and etc. well I probably still will. but now I will be able to read them because I will type it out here. The stuff I write, hmm...usually, begins with a verse, or a quote. Because I don't think up good stuff on my own. I just go off what other people write, and wade my way through it until I feel that I have a somewhat good understanding about it.
I found out that blogging works for this thanks to my English 245 class last quarter (which was awful, by the way). who'd'a thunk that I would learn something that I can actually apply to my life in school??
anywho, why do people blog? I've read some and the general trend that I've seen is people sharing, with whoever happens to care, what's going on in their life or mind or soul. But who reads them? and how is it that we get so much deeper when we're writing online rather than talking to someone face-to-face? What is it about not knowing who will read this that gives me a little bit of comfort in opening up more? Why is it that we can articulate our thoughts so much better when we can't see the face of the person that is going to hear it? or read it as the case may be...
as Nathan Gill said, "When it is dark, there are no distractions and the soul comes out...yes, I plan on writing greeting cards." aside from the hilarity of the second part of that quote, I think that there is a lot of smart in the first part. When we can just share what's in our mind rather than having to deal with the distraction of...well...us...then we can get across what we're trying to say a lot easier. Why is it that I choose to write my thoughts in the first place? habit? the need to sift through them all? I am a very visual learner. maybe that's it. well, to anyone reading, here's the first post. and that's how it is.